heard a song this morning

I don't know if I could pray/sing this with all my heart. There are many times, especially in the last few weeks that I have wanted to give up on Christianity. I think that is just it though. I've grown up all my life in this religion, and have believed in the power of community and have head knowledge of amazing things God has done, but I haven't experienced them in my heart. I've had moments that I can say, "There's no other way to explain it, but by God", but in even that...my head rationalizes it and my heart doesn't take anything from the experience. So I guess in it, my self is still not dead, and I don't know how long it will take for me to die to the flesh side of me, but I want it to be quick. I want it just to hurry up, so I can live life free to risk and unhindered. Even through all the pain that I experience in the mornings when I wake up knowing I won't see my best friend today, I still am believing and trusting that God is going to move.

"Bring The Rain" - Mercy Me

I can count a million times
People asking me how I
Can praise You with all that I've gone through
The question just amazes me
Can circumstances possibly
Change who I forever am in You
Maybe since my life was changed
Long before these rainy days
It's never really ever crossed my mind
To turn my back on you, oh Lord
My only shelter from the storm
But instead I draw closer through these times
So I pray

Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain

I am Yours regardless of
The clouds that may loom above
Because You are much greater than my pain
You who made a way for me
By suffering Your destiny
So tell me what's a little rain
So I pray

Holy, holy, holy
Is the Lord God Almighty

Psalm 139:23-24 (New International Version)

23 Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.

24 See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.

Psalm 139:23-24 (The Message)

23-24 Investigate my life, O God,
find out everything about me;
Cross-examine and test me,
get a clear picture of what I'm about;
See for yourself whether I've done anything wrong—
then guide me on the road to eternal life.

I'm going to have to mediate on these verses for a while. I doubt right now even my God. I want to love him so much more than I do right now. I don't want to love him out of guilt, regret, or pain, but out of passion, desire, and great respect! I have to renew my mind today. It is so hard to do. God help me today! Help me to accomplish things at work and get beyond this addiction. Help me!!! I can't do this on my own. I am weak!

better than I thought

I have to stick to my guns on this one!!! Oh God, don't let me fall from grace. This hurts more than anything. Provide me strength to make it one day at a time. Give him strength to do the same. We hurt for each other, and we hurt because we are lonely. Together and apart we are lonely. Help me get through these issues that I have cause I can't do this on my own.

I'm scared. the shit is gettin' ready to hit the fan. I don't know what to do, what not to do, where to stand, where to flee, where to run. What the hell am I supposed to do? He isn't going to react well with this.

by any means necessary

He's not leaving me!!!! Oh man, I'm excited. God you are holding onto me, even when I haven't been holding onto you. You are providing me help, may I hide in the cleft of the rock and watch you pass by. Thank you for not leaving me. Thank you for sending refuge to help me through this addiction, pain, and decision to stop where I'm at and throw it out. Protect me from the pain that is going to be shown through anger. Protect me through the nights, and the days when he comes around. Protect me from him!!! I love him, but I have to love you more. I love him, but I have to love me more. He isn't right for me, and I don't know how to shake him. I need your unfailing love! I need your help. I can't do this on my own. Lord, you know my heart, my desires, my will, my flesh, and my strength.....all are weak!! I'm so glad that I can even talk about this now. I'm so glad that I can relieve my heart and struggles to people that know and understand. God, I want to do your will not my own. The devil is a lie, and will not rob me of my joy, my heart, my faith, my emotions, my soul!!!! If I have to repeat that to myself everyday...I will just to know that you are there for me God. Renew my mind. Help me get back to where I was. Give me understanding and hope and knowledge about where you are taking me.
What else do I need to do? Show me Lord Jesus!!!

don't leave me

I've come to the conclusion that I am ready for change. I don't want God to leave me. I want to find my faith again. I want to leave the situation that I am in. In the process I am going to hurt someone really really badly, but I have to be selfish. I wish he would change. Here is my prayer!

Please God,
Speak words to him now. Let him know what is coming. Help him to understand why I have to leave him and why you want me back in your way of doing things. Give me the strength to follow through with my decision. I have failed so many times at dying to myself and staying on my cross. I wish things didn't have to be this way, but I understand God. I know you have better for me. I know you have the things I desire. Lord, take care of him please. I don't want to be the one taken care of and him being dropped into a black hole of loneliness, rejection, and abandonment. I'm sorry I have let things get this far out of control. I come to you broken, confused, and needy. I need your healing, and I have nothing to offer but my life. Use me Lord! Help me to be obedient this time around. Lord, I can't do this on my own!!! I CAN'T. I love him, but he isn't good for me. We are unequally yoked, and he is not even sure if he believes in you. I haven't set an example of Your power and hope. He doesn't believe because I haven't shown you to him through my life. I'm sorry!!! HELP ME LORD....I'm so weak and tired. My flesh has too much control. I need your spirit right now!!!

finding my way

I have a map, and I've had people tell me the directions. It is dark and uncomfortable. This way seems to be the detour from hell. I can't seem to put down this luggage that comes with me. I have moved it all around, but it doesn't fit where I need it to. I've left my first love to be with this one, but the 80/20 rule completely applies here. My first love knew the very depths of me and would comfort me. He understood when I was hurting for someone else, or needed to be hugged just because. The only problem with him was he wasn't always touchable. I desired to be touched, human contact. I need that! This love, all he wants is physical touch. I need the deepness of the first to match up with the surface of this love. This love says he will change, he will be what I need him to be, but he can't possibly be because he is selfish and incapable because he doesn't know my first love. My first love will take me back, but I can't leave this love behind. I know that doesn't make since, but I can't leave him without knowing he is going to be there in the end. Maybe not with me in the end, but be there when this life is said and done. I would rather be by myself for the rest of this life than live without knowing he will be there.